If the Impressionists Had Been Dentists
These are useful for all you manly men:
- Thou shall not rent Chocolat
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
- When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
- If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
- Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
- Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
- Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
- If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
- Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
- When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
- Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
- Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
- If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
- If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him … too gay.
- Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “F*** off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
- In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
Related posts
